last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They have beer where we have blood.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
