Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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