you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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