ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
