I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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