I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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