Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Less talking, more tequila
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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