There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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