It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
