So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
