and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
