dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
