she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
