Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
