I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
