2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
