I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
