And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
