Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
