Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You ruined the universe
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
