so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ladies don't puke and tell
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
