I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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