How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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