I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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