Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
