saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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