my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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