i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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