I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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