Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
