well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
