Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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