i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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