I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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