Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
