New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
