Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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