You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
