I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
