You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
