Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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