I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
