I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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