I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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