I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
