We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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