R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
