; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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