I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
