Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
