Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
