Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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