he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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