mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
